Let It Go and Give it to God

...Or How When You Do, You Learn That God Has a Sense of Humor

Remember two posts ago? About the guy? I've been praying about it all week. I tried to distance myself this week so I could clearly think about what I was gonna tell him. I didn't go out to his normal hang on Wednesday...I was maybe stalking him in an unhealthy kinda sorta electronic way. I decided to end that because it wasn't serving any purpose except to see him everyday, which then fostered constant thoughts of him, so I decided to be done with anything that wasn't positive to my well being.

Anyways, around Wednesday I decided that I was going to tell him how I felt to make sure he knew and then I was gonna let it be. Over the next two days, I spent my extra time formulating my speech. I was gonna tell him how I felt, that I wasn't ready for it be to be serious, but I enjoyed our time together and I wanted to let him know so that nothing was unclear. And that I didn't need any kind of answer, solution, or comment. I just wanted to let him know and he could do with that information as he wanted, but at least that way, it would be out of my mind and heart and I would know that we both knew where I stood.

Fast forward to tonight. We ended up going out, very informally with friends. However, all our friends left around 12:30 and we stayed and talked. We had this conversation about owning up to our actions. In my head, I thought, this is the perfect reference to bring up later to help ease the potential awkwardness. The establishment closed at 2:00 and we continued our shuffleboard game. Management finally kicked us out at 2:30 and we proceeded outside to talk, which is not unusual for us. As we were walking to our cars, my stomach was in knots. I had told myself I was gonna do it tonight, the stage was set, the perfect segue way was created...but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time there was a small pause, the words just wouldn't come out. Finally, it was almost 3:00am. I was incessantly yawning because I am NEVER up this late, so he says that I should go home...and then he moves in closer to me. He has this...look. Perhaps you know the look. It's when a guy gets this crazy look in his eyes...like he's gonna kiss you. I've seen this look twice in my life, perhaps the other times it happens to fast to notice, but I've definitely seen it before, so I feel confident I can spot it now. SURE ENOUGH, BAM! A goodnight kiss. :) It was awesome. My heart was so relieved. In the middle of kissing, I told him, "I'm really glad you did this, because tonight I was gonna tell you that I like you because I wasn't really sure if you knew." He said that he did know, but we just happen to be two extremely busy people. Which is COMPLETELY true unfortunately. I can't even find time to sleep, much less to date.

It's just crazy how when you let things go and stop stressing that God not only tells you, but SHOWS you that he will take care of it. It's so hard to do for me, but it's times like this when he smacks me on my head that I know things will be taken care of, no matter how off track they seem. So now that I know that a mutual interest has been confirmed, maybe I can sleep better at night and stop stressing. And hopefully, the two of us can make a little more time for each other in the midst of our busy schedules in the future. As for right now, I just can't stop smiling. Actually I can't stop smiling long enough to go to sleep hence the late night blog.

[post-note: What's funny is that I had a romantic dream about him last night and woke up angry this morning because, in my conscious mind, I had sworn him off. Perhaps that was the greater good telling me this wasn't the plan.]

A Person's Character

...Or How I'm Postponing That Deep Conversation Until Tomorrow.

:) Sleep is actually calling my name tonight. I'm excited!  But a small funny anecdote from today. I'm teaching high school marching band for the first time in a loooooong time. It's taken a while to get used to it...the kids who don't want to be there, teaching 140 kids (the most I've taught at once),  teaching under my high school director whom I respect a million times over, and then having him give me full control and trusting me with his band program. Anyways...I've been leading the strength training/cardio in the morning. I'm trying to keep it fresh and non-boring. Having five days of different stuff is wearing me out already. Anyways this morning, I had an genius thought to use water bottles as weights and do an arm workout. The head drum major who is also on the Varsity fooball team, comes up to me and says, "Ms. Reynolds, [They have to call Ms. Reynolds, it's quite entertaining] I really enjoy your workouts." I said, "Are you joshing me or being serious?" He replied, "No, I really do. They're challenging and I like them! You know...they're hiring a new athletic director..." TOTALLY made my day! I'm glad that I can still impress kids after all these years. :)

Making it Back.

or Why You Should Never Stop Working Out.

Most people are giving up something for 40 days during Lent. I instead, decided to start working again. For 40 days straight, I will be engaging of some form of physical exercise for at least 30 minutes. (p.s. I got started late, I'm only on day 3).

Day 1: Good. I attend a cardio dance class at an actual dance studio. I was really excited because I love loooove LOOOOOVE dancing and I was hoping that it would be a little more challenging that what I am used to at Gold's Gym. For the most part, it was about the same. I did appreciate the leg strengthening track we did that utilized ballet techniques. End of Day 1: Good.

Day 2: I happened to mention to a co-worker I was going to workout tonight and she asked where. Turns out, we're members of the same gym, so I decided to go with her for strength training. Mind you, she's a skinny little thing and I haven't lifted weights probably since.....June? Things were going great until about 20 minutes and we got to squats. I got hot, sweat began pouring dripping down my face, my legs began shaking. I felt like I was going to die and she's standing next to me, chewing gum. Normally, I love her, she's the bright peppy girl when I walk in the office who always makes me smile. That night, I wanted to punch her in the face. I made it through the class and did not die. I counted it as a success.

Day 3: I really wanted to go to church tonight since I can never make it on the weekends because of teaching, so going to a class at the gym was out of the question. So I decided that I'd just look up one of the workouts I found on pinterest and do it in my front yard. The one I found was complete 5 different jumping-type sets for 1 minute, then repeat the circuit 5x. No problem, I thought. I'll even run a little bit to make up for how easy this workout is going to be. I walked, I ran, I started the first set. "Holy crap, why is it so hard to jump?" I thought. I ended up modifying the first set so I could complete it. I was out of breath. Set two, more jumping? Seriously? Who thought of this? I made it halfway through before I needed to take a break. Jumping + Amanda do not mix. I decided to settle on three sets and then just run. Whoever thought I would choose running over anything else? It was so hard to push myself running. It's very easy to quit when someone is not next to you. I talked to myself and made my run certain distances. I thought back to 4 years ago when I ran up and down the beach without stopping, or even last year when my running out timed my walking, OR let's go way back and think back to drum corps when I could run the better part of a mile without stopping. I pushed through and made it. I felt so good. I still feel good. I LOVE the way I feel after I work out, I just hate doing it. BUT I'm determined to complete 40 days. They say it takes 28 days to start a new habit, so I'm hoping at the end of 40 days I won't be ready to give up!

Ugh...

I seriously made it EIGHT MONTHS without finding out the winner of the first season of "The Voice." I decide to watch the final episode tonight and google to see whether Vicci Martinez & Pat Monahan's duet of "Drops of Jupiter" was on iTunes and I saw the winner. Wtf?! How does that even happen...ugh, whatever, I'm watching the last thirty minutes even though I found out. All I can say is I totally disagree. :)

I'm Back

...Or How I Left My Heart in Washington state.

I've been back in Texas for a little more than 24 hours. I have to admit, it's probably the first time in my life I've been disappointed to be back in my home state. I had such an amazing time in Washington state. Everyday was an adventure for me. Something epic happened everyday for me. I explored a good portion of the state in those almost three weeks. I had a plan of what I wanted to do during my trip, then I planned out specifically what I wanted to do each day. Today, I sat on the couch and did nothing. It was just very anti-climactic. I realize that vacation is always going to be more exciting than your every day life, but I think that my disappointment is more than normal because the disparity between my vacation and real life (before I left for tour) is greater than average.

So why am I writing all of this? I'm working on increasing my happiness quotient. What is that? To be honest, I have no idea but it sounds good. Right now, I am not unhappy. I was definitely unhappy and possibly more than likely was depressed. The past two and a half months have really helped turn things around. It's made me more aware of what I want and don't want, what I need and don't need and what makes me happy. Back to my happiness quotient. The last definition of quotient from Merriam-Webster is "the magnitude of a specified characteristic or quality." Magnitude. Exactly. I want my life to be so filled with happiness that it needs to be spoken of in terms of magnitude. Such heavy weight with that word. Anyways, I think that there's a little something that can be done everyday to add happiness to my life. Even if it's just something little, there's always ways to enjoy life a little more.

I think one of the most important things I discovered in Washington is that happiness is active, it is not passive. It's not going to find you sitting on a couch. It's outside your front door. You have to go find it. But I don't mean find it like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Have you ever literally tried to find the end of the rainbow? Let me tell you, I have. It doesn't work. Because of some scientific notion (that I'm sure Kristen can explain), you'll never reach the end of the rainbow, it always keeps moving. But happiness is tangible (in a non-tangible way, if you're still following that). It can be reached. It does have a definite place in the world. Even if your personal happiness is walking outside the door and listening to the bluebird singing, it's there. It's not going to keep moving away from you at all times. It IS attainable.

So one of my new goals is to treat my "real life" in Texas as vacation life in Washington. I've realized that I need to go and explore and see and, as surprising as this is, be outside. I never thought I was an outside person. My mother tried to make me do stuff outside all the time and I thought of every excuse in the book possible to avoid. But here I am, realizing I thrive on doing activities outdoors. Who knew?! I'm going to start paying attention to the daily calendar in my newspaper and take advantage of local events. I've probably done more things in Washington state than I have in Texas. I need to read local guides and check out activities on yelp and own this state! I'm hypothesizing that a combination of getting out and exploring along with my new outlook AND a change in some other outside factors, that my daily happiness quotient will be on the rise.

Disclaimer: Once again, thank you for letting me share with you and ramble on. I'm warning you that for a while, I'll probably be updating about my life and how I'm trying to turn it around. I can't promise that I'll always be grammatically correct or that I won't have run-on sentences or that I won't skip around on topics. I'm trying to write it all out as it comes to me and not go back and edit and proofread it, so you (and I when I go back and read this) get the real deal.

Addendum...

I get these cheesy motivational, uplifting emails from "The Universe" everyday. This is the first one I've read in a while. I guess I was too unhappy to even look at positive things. Anywho, this is the one that JUST arrived in my inbox:

Of course there are exceptions, but all-in-all it seems to me that those who are religious, cling, whereas those who are spiritual, seek.

But to be really honest, Amanda, it's the happy folks who know how to live.

Grins,
The Universe

The last line seems to go perfectly with my post! Love the reaffirmation!

Mile Marker One

I know I haven't been updating as much as I had said I would, but I've been keeping a journal as well as gluing little keepsakes in it as well. So I'll probably post that or maybe snippits when I get back. So to update you, I'm having the most amazing time of my life. In fact, I think I've enjoyed it more than any vacation I've ever taken, including all the times I've been to New York. Today I planned a hike to see Wallace Falls. I thought some exercise and a waterfall could be a pretty good combination. From the reviews I had read, even though the Washington Trails Association lists part of the trail as medium and part of the trail as hard, most of the reviews said it was easy, so I thought no big deal. Let me preface the rest of the story by telling you, I've never really hiked before. I've only been once in California and that was with my friend who was a pro. I've never been by myself, that's for sure. I arrive and start the hike. After about half a mile, you reach the forest and a sign with the following quite:

Come forth into the light of things. Let nature be your teacher.
- W. Woodsworth

I realized it was a good reminder. When else was I going to have hours to myself. I decided that I should ponder life, relationships and the cure to cancer on my hike to the falls and back. However, what I didn't realize was that all the people that said the hike was "easy" were probably people who ran 10 miles a day and have .15% body fat. I, as you know, do not fall into this category. Life problems suddenly no longer were in my mind, but I realized this hike was going to be the equivalent of a workout class. In fact, my heart rate got just as high as cardio classes that I take a Gold's, the only difference is that after one hour, I had barely reached the Small Falls (there's small, lower, middle and upper). I hiked on and pushed through. I reached the Small Falls, yes! There was still a ways to the Middle Falls. I chatted with people along the trail and everyone had stopped at the Middle Falls because the hike to the Upper was hard they said. Oh, did I forget to mention that I started hiking at 3pm, so I was a little on a time crunch. I finally reached the Middle Falls, success!!! My thighs were burning. I was trying to take a self portrait to prove that I was there and a trio came panting up the trail. Turns out they were from Beaumont, TEXAS!!! We chatted for a minute and they continued up the trail. At that point, I decided, the heck with it, I was there, I might not have another chance to do this, I was hiking up to the Upper Falls.

I packed up my bag and was about 5 minutes behind the Texas Trio. I arrived at switchbacks, I could hear the trio but couldn't see them. Finally, I spotted them waaaaaaaay up the switchbacks, I was tempted to turn around, but I didn't. I got to the 2.5 mile marker and saw the trio head back down. I was out of breath and sweaty, I said ppppppllllllleaaaaaaaaaase tell me I'm close and it's worth it. The girl replied, "P.S. It's totally amazing and you're almost there." That was all I needed. I kept hiking and finally reached the top!!! I don't know if I was more excited to see the Upper Falls or the fact that I had conquered the hard trail. Looking back, I would definitely say it was conquering the trail. Seven hours later, I'm still on a hiker's high (I don't know if there is such a thing, but I know there's a runner's high, so I'm making it work.) I realized it was 6:00 pm and it had taken me three hours to hike up and sunset was at 7:59, so I had to boogie back down.

The descent was relatively easy, comparatively. Since I wasn't worried about my legs falling off, my mind began to wonder. Around the 1 mile marker, I reached a very important decision in my life. A very long time ago, a good friend of mine had a conversation about life direction. He said, you can either decide to be happy or you can decide to have money. Most people, not all, but most are faced with decision when picking jobs. At mile marker one, I decided and declared that I am choosing happiness in my life. I don't care if I'm dirt poor, feeling happy has got to be the best thing in the world. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, I think I've lost sight of my real self recently. I was in a rut and not happy with where that rut was taking me. I've finally broke free and I feel like a bird let out of the cage. I can do anything (like hike a hard trail!) that I want, no one or nothing can stop me. I really don't want to loose sight of this. Changes are coming in my life and I don't know what they hold, but I do know that I will be selfish and make sure I am happy first. :) The last mile out of the forest and back to the trail head, I was so excited with this revelation, that I almost ran back. Almost, I said. So friends, (interjection: I really appreciate you that read this and comment or send me texts afterwards. I know that few of you read this so I am able to free talk with you gals and truly let everything out) next time you see me, please ask me how I am doing and make sure I am sticking with my resolution. I LOVE YOU ALL!