It's been six whole months...

since I've written. I don't understand how that can be. I have so many thoughts in my head and so many times I think "I need to write about that" but apparently (and obviously) that never seems to happen. I am sitting in a friend's apartment on a Friday night, just finished a cucumber and gin drink (btw, DELICIOUS!) and am pondering life. You know, just the usual. But that's the problem. It *IS* the usual. It's Friday night...and I'm alone. I should be out dancing, at the rodeo, hanging with the girls, cuddled up on a couch with someone special, but I'm not...I'm totally and 100% alone.

I've recently discovered (or perhaps "admitted" would be right the word) my dissatisfaction of my current life situation. I have no home, no car, no boyfriend, no one that I can call up at a moment's notice to meet because I'm never in the same city for any extended period of time. I have no grounding it seems. And unfortunately, a by-product of that dissatisfaction is the twenty pounds I have gained since last January. Yes, I currently weigh 10 pounds more than I did in January of 2010, which totally negates the 10-15ish pounds I lost in the middle of last year. They totally found me, and came back with a vengeance. I realize that I have no one but myself to blame. I make the decisions in my life. I choose to keep my job. I choose to commit to activities that are 200+ miles away that require constant travel. And so this week, I've decided to take my life back, one piece at a time. Wednesday, I decided that I am going to start working out and eating right again. I successfully burned 2000 calories in two days. Overkill? Perhaps, but it was the kick start I needed. Today was a rest day, simply because I know my muscles could not have taken another class, but tomorrow is a cardio/running day and I am all over it, if it kills me. I am determined to turn my life around and be happy with myself. I don't even notice myself in the mirror anymore. The person in my head is not the person I see. I want to be happy with the way I look and happy with who I am and the choices I am making...so baby steps, here we go.

The other thing on my mind is a stupid boy. BOYS! Seriously, after 28 and 3/4 years on this earth, I'm still dealing with boys. I choose not to use the word "men" because I have yet to find one who is worthy of that term. I feel that even I am ten years out of high school, I am still in the same situation and thinking the same thoughts. If I call him, will he answer? Will he call me back? Only now, it's this crazy texting crap. It's the lamest, laziest, safest, non-committal way to communicate. And it drives me crazy. He hasn't answered my text...so is he working? Is he out with another girl? Is he sleeping and didn't get it? Did he drive to the Grand Canyon and his phone accidentally fell out of his hands as he was leaning over the edge to enjoy the view? Blah!! All you married ladies, consider yourselves lucky. You don't have these crazy thoughts which might be considered crazy by single men. :D

...And for the last portion of my rant, that's the other dissatisfied part of my life. I feel that I never go out or have a regular schedule (like going to church) where I can meet someone. You know, that "someone"...the someone who might ask you to coffee and there you realize you are so totally 100% in sync that you get married in six months. Or that someone who sees you from across the room and there's an instant spark and you spend the whole night talking and the next week, you're magically dating. Maybe I watch too many romantic comedies. Either way, 2011 is the year where I make change happen for me. I'm not going to sit at home on facebook and stalk every guy that I was ever interested *cough* not that I did that tonight or anything *cough cough*, I'm going to go out and DO. Here is my resolution, in the middle of March, so please, next time you talk to me, make sure I'm staying on track.

P.S. I hate that my first post in six months is negative, but I need to get it out. I am deciding to publish this because every one who reads this is someone I would tell all of these problems too. Just consider yourself lucky I'm not calling you at 1am to rant. :D But, I will try to keep up with this on a more periodic basis so you can check in on me from time to time.